Yes, Yes, No, No

Matthew 5:36,37


"Simply let our 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one" (Matthew 5:36,37).

I'm phlegmatic by temperament which means I really want to make you happy. It also means that I struggle to say, no. Not only am I optimistic about my time because it is easier to say that I'll be arriving in fifteen minutes when in reality it will be an hour, but I'm optimistic about my capacity for getting things done. "Sure, I can do that, and that...and what? That too? Why not?"

The problem is that my optimism leaves me unreliable. I say "yes" and then either back out and say "no" or by my poor performance and lack of enthusiasm for a task communicates "no". The other problem is that my laid back nature also means that I sometimes say "yes" because (well) I'm not sure if I want to say "no". I'm also a bit sanguine so I'm scared I'll miss out on some fun so I'll say, "Yes, I'll come to the party" and then say "no" when I realize it won't be possible.

I've slowly (oh, ever so slowly) come to see how my lack of a firm "yes" or "no" can drive other people batty. I've come to see that most normal people don't expect me to be omnipresent or omniscient (that's God's job!), but they would appreciate clarity. Can't make it to the party? Not a problem. Can't make it to the party? But promise to come and bring punch and then not show up, that is a problem. If I had just let my yes, really be yes...then the other person could have planned accordingly.

Also, most people are pretty gracious and willing to understand that life happens and on occasion I have to say no after saying yes. But if I keep doing this, if I make it a habit, if it is a pattern--then I teach people not to trust me. I might gain the reputation as the "nice friend" but not necessarily the "reliable friend".

Strangely enough, becoming a reliable friend means I come to terms with my limitations. Becoming a reliable friend means I have to become more realistic about my life. "I would love to help you, but I'm swamped at work right now." "I can't come to your party because I have another commitment."

The reward of learning my limitations and the power of "no" is learning to trust other people's "nos" and "yeses". The problem we phlegmatics face is that because "yes" comes so easy to us, we're not sure we can trust other people's "yeses". Did he really want to say yes? We also struggle to trust that people will say no. I've actually written a long preamble before asking or inviting a friend to do something to just make sure that I've given her enough space to say no. A little "would you mind if" would be appropriate, but I got to ditch the preamble and learn to trust my friend's "yeses" and "nos".

Learning to say 'yes' and 'no' means learning to know myself, my wants, and capabilities. It means finding more freedom in my friendships and giving more freedom to my friends. It's not something I can naturally do well so I'm grateful that God has said through His word that "if If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him" (James 1:5).